Orbiting PlanetChr!s

American Idol: B+

2009-05-13T03:55:41Z

I've been missing the prospect of Allison all week. Sigh. Well, with no girls left, it's a total sausagefest on Idol leaving Ryan positively dizzy! Two songs each and it's judges' choice! Get ready to wreck yourself, fellas! And we're off!

Danny - Terence Trent D'arby's histrionics should suit Danny well. Unfortunately, this song was boring and instantly dated when D'arby himself released it. It doesn't help that Danny has no idea how to move his body on stage. The fat guy with the horn has more physical charisma and he's just standing there. The whole thing is belted out and fairly mediocre. Paula embarrasses herself by throwing her dance credits on the table and congratulating Danny on his moves. The fix is in! How could the judges like this?

Kris - Where did this accent come from? Why blue nail polish? Oh Kris. You are a boy of mystery! We haven't seen a piano on stage since the blind guy and I'm not liking the association. Sure enough, the Curse of Scott's Piano affects Kris causing his vocals to be breathy, off beat, and makes him miss the only note in the entire song that most people recognize. Poor Kris's voice spends its time cracking, sliding, and failing all the way through. And his weird faces are in FULL EFFECT. Holy shit, the judges resort to physical violence! Simon is wrong though: It's Kris's responsibility to figure out an attractive arrangement. Sorry, Simon.

Adam - The Blue Spotlight is back! Now THIS is what Kara was talking about. Adam makes this song relevant to who he is but it invokes the original in the best possible way. That said, I am not a fan of this arrangement although he sung it very well, of course. You ever notice how Adam's boyfriend is never in the audience? Are Ryan's goons keeping him out? It's hard to believe that Adam and Danny are in the same competition. This was far and away above the two performances I have already seen.

Danny - I'm feeling unsettled. Something's missing. Oh! It's a stool chat! I was unsure from note one. But I can't believe I'm going to say this, it was pretty good. I've gotten so used to shouty Danny that I didn't realize how much control he has over his voice. I think I'm finally seeing what the judges have been lying about all these weeks. I wish he had been singing like this the whole time. Perhaps he has been trying to outsing Adam? This was the stroke Danny needed to put the final nail in Kris's coffin.

Kris - I've given Kris a hard time these past months but the truth is that he has the potential to be the most successful of the remaining contestants. When he's in his element like tonight, he make it looks effortless. Kris, like Allison, could put out a record that would immediately be relevant as opposed to Adam and Danny who have some musical decisions to make. In a better world, Danny would have been out and Allison would be in.

Adam - FINALLY! The last stool chat of the season! Why does Adam keep getting the pimp slot? The song choice is perfect and it's already in Adam's pocket. Did someone throw hot water on the backup singer? Why is she shrieking? Keep it down, sister! Thank you to Adam for delivering yet another stellar performance and being the most consistent contestant that this contest has ever seen! I will see you in the finale!

Omg, it's almost over! I've noticed that Randy tends to get confused when Simon's critique is more complicated than, "Yo, that was the bomb!" Carrie Underwood is a sweetie but did she look uncomfortable during the forced photo ops or what? After all the brouhaha of hometown parades, we see none of it. Fire this director! If Adam is voted off, prepare for the most inconsequential finale ever. If it's Kris, prepare for the most embarrassing.

Best Performances: Kris (Heartless), Adam (Cryin'), Danny (You Are So Beautiful)
Worst Performances: Kris (Apologize), Danny (Dance Little Sister), Adam (One)
Going home: Kris

American Idol: B-

2009-05-06T13:10:09Z

Rock Week! Yeah! This week, Slash is the mentor which is maybe less appropriate and more confusing than Jamie Foxx. Grab your lighter and the nearest skank/groupie. Bang your head! Let's go!

Adam - Usually I'm full of witticisms and double entendres on these things. But there is nothing that I can say about Adam other than he is supremely talented. With a song that he might have born to sing, Adam delivers every inch of his love to the audience. It's inspired, it's perfect, it inspires Kara to have an orgasm. Then again, what doesn't ? Adam outperformed some of the performers that are featured on results night. Unbelievable.

Allison - OMG a stool chat! I can't wait to hear about Adam's hair girl! So glad that we took the time! Anyway, I love the way Allison dresses. Whatever she is wearing, I totally get it. That's awesome about her. As for this performance, I know it's Rock Week but I found the loud parts too shouty and the singing parts almost unintelligible. It's not great and she knew it. Also, after Adam, I'm not sure I can attend to anyone else. But the genre suits here and Kris and Danny would have to do something new to top this.

Kris and Danny - Duets! Danny looks terrified. Probably because there isn't a big shouty part to get him through this. Both men look uncomfortable on stage but I don't know if it's the song or the fact that they are sharing the spotlight. Whatever it is, it's not working and it's apparent. Is Danny jealous of Kris's jailbait appeal? Does Kris wish his wife was dead? Throughout the judging and Ryan's chummy interaction, both Kris and Danny appear pissed at each other. What's going on? Their lack of chemistry is tangible and it sunk them big time. What is this drama and why don't we hear more about it?

Kris - Perhaps this stool chat will shed some light on the situation. Nope, guess not. Aw, Kris almost peed in his pull-ups when he performed with Slash. You’re a big boy now, Kris. Use the potty. This song has been done so much over the decades that unless there is something very novel to grab attention. This was well sung but had absolutely zero appeal. Kris is too twee to really carry this. Paula is drunk again and Simon is dead on. By the way, "Come Together"? I won't touch it. I promise.

Danny - Slash sums up Danny perfectly: it's all about the scream at the end cause everyone will be waiting for it. Danny is terrible. His low register is not well developed and he was off tune more than he was on it. It was an unmitigated disaster. The jig is up: The scream at the end was off pitch, desperate, and embarrassing. And by the way, the show is rigged. How is it possible that not ONE of the four judges could call him out on this performance? Danny has surfed his way past more talented contestants starting with his black best friend in the auditions. Fishy.

Adam and Allison - Could they have possibly have been partnered with anyone but each other? Allison get high marks for the boots and Adam gets similar for the pants! Go girls! This duet is miles away better than the first because 1) their chemistry is better 2) their vocals were better 3) their confidence is off the charts. I would buy this album the first morning it was available. It's hard to describe how awesome these two were together other than to say that they need to be on a different show from Kris and Danny.

Did Kris and Danny have a fight backstage? Maybe Danny made a pass? Hot. Appearing on this show has put the final nail in Slash's cred coffin. Axl Rose is surely laughing his ass off in between snorting coke of a hooker. Praise for Danny has hit a all time and ludicrous high. Do they need another Taylor Hicks? Not only did Adam get to go first, but he got the pimp slot too. He pummeled that motherfucking stage.

Best Performances: Adam, Allison
Who should go home: Danny, Kris
Bottom 2: KRIS, Danny

American Idol: C-

2009-04-22T03:49:10Z

Matt's back. Yay? It's disco week! Yay?

Lil - That is a formidable ass! Shake it! Lil has decided that if she can't dazzle us with her vocals, she will the sex the hell out of us. Unfortunately, the look could not overcome the wile and karaoke vocals. How is Lil still in this? The whole performance came off as horribly amateurish. At judging, who thought that she was gonna cut someone? She was not playing. And that wig.

Kris - At least he has his guitar back. Stroke that shit, Kris! Usually it's ill advised for boys to sing girl songs, as Paula insanely tried to explain. However, this arrangement is pretty winning. Also, is it just me or is Kris more comfortable that he has been lately? This whole thing comes across as fairly effortless. In any case, this was Kris's best performance on the show and one of the best on the show this season.

Danny - I'm completely over him. Now that I know his trick, he's transparent. Again, Danny is shaky on the verse and lives for the glory notes in a song that is, lucky for him, mostly glory notes. Unlike the judges, I am not moved by this screamy, shouty performance. Danny isn't growing from week to week and since the judges keep telling him that he's "an amazing vocalist" perhaps he doesn't feel the impetus to try. Still, his efforts put him more in Lil's camp than Adam's where you know everyone is desperate to be.

Allison - YES YES YES. WORK THE LEATHER! WORK THE HEELS! WORK THE HAIR! BITCH, WORK THE STAGE!! Everything this girl does is a slam dunk! Whoever is helping her pick song s is a genius. She isn't the best singer but everything she picks showcases her talents wonderfully. This was a smoldering performance! WORK!

Adam - This is a little reminiscent of the performance that the America went insane for two weeks ago. It's slow, it's deliberate, and it's awesome. As I said last week, there's no need to comment on how incredible he sounds. Still, I look to Adam for excitement and this isn't really doing it for me. And Paula, are you crying? You crazy bitch.

Matt - Yet again, Matt leaves me completely cold. The song choice was questionable. The vocals were fine. The outfit was very JT chic. The performance was not impressive. This was an okay performance but not what he needed to do to convince me that he deserved to be saved last week. Simon was pitch perfect when he said that it seemed a bit desperate. Poor Matt.

Anoop - Anoop fully claims his date rapist mantle by adding a greasy mustache and some dubious lip licking. The arrangement kind of made this lame. Is it slow? Is it fast? When the tempo did pick up, his staggering about made me a little uncomfortable. Still, Anoop can really sing and some notes (not the last one) were clear and pretty. But he's not in the same class and Adam or Kris and there's no telling how he could be sold to the masses.

Two words: Un. Even. Is Ryan getting smarmier? The cracks are starting to show on the judges panel. Poor Kara isn't very popular, is she? Disco night should be abolished. And no celebrity mentor (was Le Chic unavailable?) and no packages. Here's a tip to come in under an hour: BAN STOOL CHATS!

Best Performances: Adam, Allison, Kris
Worst Performances: Lil, Danny, Matt
Bottom 3: Lil, Matt, Anoop

American Idol: FAIL

2009-04-15T03:45:40Z

It's Idol! And this week it's "Songs of the Cinema" which isn't a category at all. And for reasons that are barely explained, Quentin Tarantino will be advising out Top 7. Is it just me or is he totally a life size Muppet? Time for the show! Silence your cell phones!

Alison - By this time, it's clear that this girl knows what she's doing. From song choice to style, Alison is distinctive and entertaining to watch. She is effectively the female Adam. However, this was her worst vocal performance on the show to date. It was a little too low and throaty for me. The best part though is that given her caliber, even her worst is pretty good and she kept it in tune and under control throughout.

Anoop - Sigh. Anoop. I… I don't know what the else to fucking say to you. If that's how you want to dress, I don't give a shit anymore. Anoop wears a unfortunate ensemble but delivers an exceptional performance of a mediocre and overplayed song. I say the same thing weekly: Anoop is a pretty singer. The kind that you want holding your hair back while you puke in an alley after a seriously bitchin' fall mixer or spring fling. But he can't win here and at best, he will spoil for someone more talented. And Ryan, he wasn't singing about you FYI. Pretty shameless, dude.

Adam - Much like I can't comment any longer on Anoop's wardrobe dysfunction, there is nothing left to say about Adam's vocal and performance skills. He outclasses, outmatches, outsings, outperforms, and simply outdoes every other contestant on this show. Simon is dead wrong and must have gotten the note to say SOMETHING negative but what is there to say. If Adam doesn't win the show, it will be an embarrassment. However, Adam himself might be embarassed if he DOES win. And Ryan, did you try to kiss Adam? Jesus, dude.

Matt - Here's a tip: Cut these stool chats and let Simon comment after every contestant. Okay, my tolerance for Bryan Adams is already low and this pushed my buttons. Matt was lame throughout the verse and couldn't even pull out a Lil/Danny special on the chorus because the song doesn't have much of a throw-your-hands-up section. Matt is inconsistent and proved it tonight. He's all over the place weekly with vocal quality, song appropriateness, and arrangement. After weeks of watching him, I don't know if he's more likely to put out a white boy fake soul CD or a Coldplay chasing wannabe pop-rock CD. And by this point, it should no longer be a guessing game.

Danny - Wait. Is he cute again? What's going on here? And did Ryan call Danny "Baby"? Ryan, do you want to talk? Are you okay? Anyway, Danny hits some ROUGH notes in the beginning but we are supposed to ignore that and wait patiently for the chorus. But I'm not playing that game anymore. The performance is average, karaoke, and forgettable. Simon's critique was bizarre because, vocally, it was clearly NOT excellent. And giving a pass because the song was hard for him to sing (read: dead wife) was pure crap. You don’t get to pick something you can't handle (for whatever reason), underperform, and then be told it's okay. Right, George W. Bush?

Kris - Ah, jailbait. Does anything make spring sweeter? Kris passes on using the guitar which was the wrong move. Watching him stroke that thing would have distracted me from the vocals which were uninteresting. This song does not lend itself to a stand alone performance and while Kris is cute, he can't pretty this up enough to make me care. And is he wearing girl jeans? On playback, he's also pitchy all over the song in a way that makes it hard to detect the melody. In the end, the entire thing is a mess and I'm not sure where it began or ended.

Lil - If a contestant ever needed the pimp slot before, it's Lil. The Rose is a beautiful song and Lil does it little justice. You can sense her complete lack of confidence in the beginning of the song and the way it creeps in when she pulls out the "gospel" section. But it's not enough and far too little far too late. Lil cannot win this competition and I think that has finally come home to her. I like her but her inclusion in this competition is now embarrassing for her, the judges, and me. Let her always be a tragic warning about the importance of song choice. And nice wig.

Yawn! What a boring show. I could barely get my snark on through all the nodding off I was doing. The team judging thing is a hideous idea and I hope this is the first and last week we'll be experiencing that. Pace your show better and let Simon speak! And Ryan? Try a cold shower before taking the stage. Geez.

Best Performances: Adam (of course), Alison, Anoop
Worst Performances: Matt, Danny, Kris
Bottom 3: Anoop, Matt, Lil

American Idol: B(?)

2009-04-08T11:51:26Z

I'm taking this blog on the road! Dad and I raced back to our Tampa hotel to catch American Idol but missed the beginning. Luckily, my old high school friend Christine stepped in with her two cents! And Dad chimed in with his opinions too! It's a group effort, people! So calm yourselves as we travel back to the year the Idols were born!

Danny - (Christine) I think he has good vocals, but I wasn't really diggin' his arrangement. Still, he surprised me and pulled through. Danny made it a new song but I am still not thinking he is ready for a record. He reminds me a little of, dare I say it, Taylor Hicks. Just way cuter and with better dance moves. (Chris) I caught the wrap up and it looked like Danny does what he always does which is make weird faces and mistake screaming for emoting. I'm not impressed.

Kris - (Christine) Very cute! The little scruff makes him look a little older than 13. I have to agree with Kara: he made this song too jazzy and it was a lackluster performance. Paula thinks this was unique but I think it was a little snoozy. (Chris) Again, I only caught the clip. What year was Kris born do you think? 1995 or 1996? That aside, I'm sorry I missed the whole performance cause it looked interesting at least. Kris would do well to capitalize on the tween market. He could really sell to the Jonas/Montana crowd.

Lil - (Christine) I have to agree with the judges: she looks HOT tonight and the girl can sing but she is emulating the real singers and not making it her own. She doesn't know who she is as a performer. Every song choice she makes doesn't work and it makes her sound so much older than she is. I really can't believe that she is 24!!! Totally thought she was closer to 30 especially with those song choices. (Chris) Caught the clip. Poor Lil has lost her confidence and turned out what looked like a karaoke performance. It sounds fine but who cares? She's running scared and her time is almost up.

A big hand for Christine! Thanks for filling in! Your sweet 16 party was the bomb!

Anoop - Sigh. Anoop. Jesus Christ, Anoop. That fucking sweater? God DAMMIT! The song itself is competent but nothing special which pretty much sums Anoop up. But he's no fool. He knows that his antics with up tempo songs make him come across as a frat boy two drinks away from sexually assaulting someone. Slowing it down has paid huge dividends although I found his vocals whiny and boring at times. Dad didn't like it either. "No, sir," he harrumphed. "I didn't see anything in it. He didn't add anything to it." Comfortable with low bars, the judges give him a pass.

Scott - Who put this package together? What are these people talking about? I love this song but this treatment is not what I would have fantasized. As a matter of fact, both me and Dad cringed our way through it. Scott's crazy singing faces are really starting to freak me out. Is he emoting or threatening me? It's not clear. Dad marches into the bathroom in the middle. "I'm not interested in this," he says as he shuts the door. Why is Kara soft shoeing? This was a terrible performance. In response, Scott tells us he's versatile which causes Adam's ears to perk up backstage.

Allison - Her mom is Charo? Everyone needs to take a page out of this girl's book. The outfit? Distinctive. The song choice? Perfect. The vocals? Seriously amazing. Allison delivers every week and it puzzles me that America punishes her for it. Randy finally says what we all have been thinking: Allison is Kelly Clarkson II. But it's working for Ms. Clarkson so work it out, Allison!

Matt - These packages are as confusing as they are disturbing. Matt brings back his white boy soul and does a good job A really good job if you believe the judges. However, I didn't enjoy it and I haven't enjoyed any of his performances yet. Is it just me? Why does he leave me cold? I ask Dad (fresh from the shower) what he thought. A shrug. But I know he just thinks no one can do Stevie but Stevie. The judges are sort of right: this may have been the best vocal but so what? Matt doesn't stick in my head.

Adam - Loved playing dress up, Adam? No way! ME TOO! What are the odds?!? I don't recognize this song but I'll tell you what: It doesn't even frickin' matter. Adam knows exactly how to deliver a song and it's hard not to watch him even if the lighting throws him completely in shadow. This boy is a star and is heads and shoulders above everyone on this show and may be the best contestant they have ever had in all these years. That said, Adam should go home now. He doesn't need this show at all and I hope he's trying like hell to get out of his contract. Dad gives the best review: Confusing tonight's show with the results show where professionals perform, Dad asks, "Why is he on the show with those other kids?" My thoughts exactly, Dad.

I love collaboration! It brought us the Constitution, Microsoft, and now this week's blog! All important milestones! The judging is taking TOO long. They need to pick three of them to speak and let it go. Ryan must be teeny tiny. Even Allison towers over him. Kudos to the hair people for either improving from last week or getting fired. Either way, thumbs up!

Best performances: Adam, Allison, Kris(?)/Matt
Worst performance: Scott, Lil (?), Danny(?)/Anoop
Bottom 3 (The wild guess edition): Scott, Allison, Lil

American Idol: C+

2009-04-01T05:07:55Z

Being able to pick just about any song that has charted will no doubt backfire and handicap our Top 9 in ways that they didn't think about. And Ryan? We know you are on the radio. Get over yourself. That's said: Top 9! Woot woot!

Anoop - Dude, what are you wearing? Take that stupid chain off your jacket right. Fucking. NOW! Jesus. Anoop is out of his depth. The vocals were fine but so are mine and I'm not on American Idol. Kara finally says what I've been thinking about Anoop's whole frat vibe. Poor thing has no star quality.

Megan - I won't mince words. This sucked. It was painful to listen to and boring to watch. Her outfit was atrocious (it's called over-accessorizing, Megan) and her singing face is more distracting that Scott's. She skipped the dancing but made her even LESS palatable, if possible. She did herself zero favors tonight. A train wreck of embarrassing proportions.

Danny - Did I think he was cute last week? What was I thinking? Danny has the habit of yadda yadda yaddaing his way through the verse and then giving the chorus the blast treatment. For most songs, perhaps I wouldn't mind. This, however, was not one of those songs. The judges were confused though and practically wet themselves. Yes, his vocals were pretty good but they were also pretty lazy.

Allison - Is that a wig? If it's not then… oh sweetheart. That hair is riding you around like you were its pony. Her vocals were very good and as radio-ready as Danny's although the judge's were too busy studying the ensemble to comment on her performance or her exquisite song choice. Say what you will, judges, but I love Allison's style! Work!

Scott - What is that hair? He looks like a young lesbian just finding her way. Anyway, Scott finally delivers a fantastic performance although it felt a little dated. If this is his comfort zone, he'll be stuck in it soon enough. Scott is possible the least versatile of performers and probably won't have the opportunity to hit another home run like this.

Matt - Oh, is he still here? It was the wrong song for the wrong time, Matt. No doubt his nerves were rattled last week and it shows here as he struggles to perform a song that few people recognize and even fewer enjoyed. Much like Anoop, there isn't enough in Matt to fascinate me. And at least Anoop is pleasant to look at. Sorry, mate.

Lil - No seriously, what the HELL is going on with hair on this episode? Lil does a bit of the Danny and slides her way to the chorus and that part is great. But getting there was almost painful. She's been floundering for weeks and can't seem to regain her stride. Lil is not meeting expectations and better step it up fast if she wants to beat the more flamboyant contestants.

Adam - Did someone say flamboyant?!? It's official: I hate EVERYONE'S hair! That aside: HOLY SHIT ADAM LAMBERT IS KILLING IT I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH HOW AWESOME THIS WAS. WHY ARE WE EVEN CONTINUING WITH THIS SHAM OF A COMPETETION?!!? First a black president and now a GAY American Idol! Go 2009!

Kris - Okay, I know he's like 14 but he's so hot! How does his wife keep him? Damn! Jailbait Allen does a fantastic job but it's hard to appreciate it in the shadow of Adam's unprecedented performance. The arrangement and the performance were excellent. And the facial hair was a nice touch.

It's like the hair people were mad at them tonight. And Paula looked very old and tired. Time for rehab? I sense a … disturbance in the American Idol Force. Megan wasn't even in the bottom 3 last week. I fear that she may be the female Sanjaya. But in a bad way.

Best Performances: Adam, Kris, Scott
Worst Performances: Megan, Anoop, Matt
Bottom 3: ~~Matt~~, Anoop, Megan

American Idol: B-

2009-03-26T03:58:36Z

From Country to Motown! Talk about musical whiplash! This week's mentor/plastic surgery cautionary tale is Smokey Robinson. Tears of a clown, bitches!

Matt - There is something about Matt that leaves me kinda cold. He's a good singer and I think he handles this song very well but I don't care enough about him. I haven't been wowed yet. However, his pants were tight which I generally appreciate. So do Adam and Ryan.

Kris - Everyone's favorite tweenager does a great job. The song choice worried me but Kara's right: He did his own thing and it paid off. And Simon is wrong. Kris has that "aw shucks" thing happening which is its own kind of star power. Kris is way hotter than his wife. Have you noticed?

Scott - I know you're blind but salmon pink pants? Please. Scott is competent but isn't in the same category as Matt or Kris. He's outsung by the backup singers and overshadowed by his own piano playing. Good ol', Paula. Always reaching for compliments when they're nothing to say.

Megan - Oh. My. God. What in fresh hell is this? The outfit, the vocals, the performance, and that dancing. THAT DANCING! MEGAN, PLEASE JUST STOP MOVING! The song rode her like she was a old pony and left her out of breath and useless. I noticed the audience didn't boo when Simon delivered the truth. Ouch, audience, ouch!

Anoop - Stop it with those fucking jackets, Anoop! I swear to God! This song was a good choice for him but seemed a little too high for him in parts which was distracting. It's uncomfortable to watch men do bad falsetto. Overall, it was passable especially after the train wreck I'm just recovering from.

Michael - I can't believe I'm gonna say this, I didn't hate it. The vocal was fun although I think he missed the energy that Smokey was looking for. Overall though, the whole thing was semi-average and pales when compared to the earlier male contestants. Michael’s rough neck is out of his league.

Lil - This girl's profile looks like a upside down question mark! Damn girl! This should have been a slam dunk for Lil but she seemed to have some trouble in the beginning and later had trouble seizing the reins of the song. She was more loud than good and she looked like she knew it.

Adam - Nice to see him take a break from the queer hipster look. Not that there's anything wrong with that, you understand. Adam killed this song. Killed it. KILLED it. He's won the whole night if not the whole game. He was the only performer so far who wasn't run over by the song. Tight control, emotional focus, and deadly vocals. Work, girl!

Danny - Wait. Danny is cute. I never noticed. Danny's voice is the most radio-ready of the contestants so it's important he always pick the right song to highlight that fact. Tonight, he does just that. His weakness? Stage presence. He sounds way better when you aren't watching him which will always leave him trailing Adam.

Allison - So… is she like a smoker? Whatever she's doing, she needs to keep it the hell up. Her performance of this song was almost inspired. And this has to be the best outfit of the night. The stockings! The heels! The belt detail! Cover girl!

The high points were very high and the low very low. Kara's sometimes insightful critiques are serving only to further embarrass poor drunk Paula. Also, that tutu. Que?

Top 3 Performances: Adam, Allison, Danny
Who should go home: Megan, Scott, Michael
Bottom 3: ~~Megan~~, Scott, Michael

American Idol: D+

2009-03-18T12:43:59Z

Country week? UGH! Still, I'm psyched that we get it out of the way right out of the gate. Yee haw, everyone! Or as Megan would say "CAW CAW!"

Michael - What the hell is he saying? Who would know if he forgot the words? Michael is this year's Unisom. Even in a song that kinda sounds spirited, he makes me want to sleep. If this is "country music fun", I'll pass. Zzz…..

Allison - Allison, or Kelly Clarkson Jr, throws her whole voice into it and convinced me that she likes country music, no small feat. Buy a dictionary, audience. "Precocious" is actually a compliment.

Kris - I don't know what this song is but I love Kris Allen and I want to marry him in 8 years or so when he's 18. This guy can actually win this thing.

Lil - I was bored until the chorus which is when Lil delivers. Her voice is great but I thought the performance was lacking in presentation.

Adam - Don't worry Randy Travis! You can't catch what Adam has: he was born that way! This felt very much like a Broadway performance from tone to vocals to presentation. Simon is overreacting but the truth is that this performance was out of place.

Scott - Oh Scott. I can't hate you because you're disabled. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy this amateurish and off key performance. The judges are too kind by half.

Alexis - Work the underage hooker look, girl! Alexis has a great voice but not tonight and I had problems with the song choice. THIS was the softer side of her? And is Kara coming on to her? Get a room.

Danny - The beginning of this song flat out sucked but he strangled the chorus for some power chords. I felt like he didn't put a lot of effort in the verse and I don't appreciate that. Or that jacket.

Anoop - The vocals are amazing but my recurring problem with Anoop is the optics. I'm not kidding, Anoop. GET A STYLIST. NOW. Good singer but I'm not buying what he's selling. I don't get it.

Megan - I've decided: I'm Megan's arch-enemy. For me to succeed, she must fail. I hated this. And, Megan? YOU WERE WARNED ABOUT DANCING. YOUR RAISING OF THE ROOF WILL ALSO BE PUNISHED. BURN THAT DRESS OR YOUR FAMILY DIES AS WELL.

Matt - I'm forgetting this performance AS I'M WATCHING IT. Matt, you are a nice guy but even the pimp slot can't interest me in what your doing. His vocals are good enough but his song choices leave me cold inside.

Thank God it's over. Randy Travis is looking a little Skeletor these days, no? Let him be a cautionary tale for teeth whitening. I would have loved to see what Jorge would have done, wouldn't you?

Top 3 performances : Kris, Allison, (none)
Who should go home: Michael, Megan, Scott
Who will go home: Megan, Michael, Scott

My Two Cents: Convenience

2009-03-17T03:11:06Z

I woke up early Sunday to run some errands one of them being to return the Artemis Fowl graphic novel to the local library and some stuff to blockbuster. Nothing was open but both stores have one of those quick drop slots.

No problem at Blockbuster but at the library, I yank on the book drop handle and I'm totally denied. It's locked. Why? Well, because the library book drop has hours. It CLOSES at certain times. This begs several questions: If someone is there to unlock the slot at a certain time, why don't they just open the whole damn library? Also, a quick drop is supposed to be a convenience. Why is this one so diva? Lastly, and most to the point, WTF? It's bad enough that the library is only open a few days a week from 11 to 4, but I can't drop shit off either when I need to? What's next? Mailboxes that clam up after 8 PM? How about traffic lights that take Tuesdays off? Or trash cans that get 15 minute breaks every 4 hours?

It's a drop slot! It doesn't need hours!

That is all.

American Idol: A-

2009-03-11T04:21:09Z

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Michael Jackson week starts off us. Also, helpful packages before each performance test the marketing waters. Let's do this! Shamon!
Lil – All of Lil's kids look the same age. Triplets. Holy crap. She sang the hell out of this song! And I also hate what you are wearing, sweetie.
Scott – Did you know Scott is blind? And don't you forget it! Unfortunately for him, I'm not deaf. The vocal was bland and boring.
Danny – Did you know Danny had family OTHER than his late wife? Danny knocks it out the park. I feel like he wasn’t this good in previous rounds. Best male vocal of the night.
Michael – If you know what a “roughneck” is, please tell me. A sleepy performance of a song that makes me sleep. Zzzz…
Jasmine – Her mom’s weave frightens me. But it was only a prelude to the performance which was sub-par and spent the whole 90 seconds chasing after Mariah’s better version.
Kris – Did you know he was married? He’s like, what, 14? The vocals were pretty good although the strumming was strictly Guitar Hero if you ask me.
Alison – She sang at… a furniture store? Que?! Her singing tonight is mediocre and the stomping and stooping is atrocious.
Anoop – Did you know he is Indian? Anoop is adorable but his performances are so strictly frat house karaoke. He’s cute but I don’t buy his whole thing.
Jorge – His brother is hot. Just saying. Worst song choice of the night, Jorge. The whole thing is a wash.
Megan – Why are Megan and her mom the same age? Cree. Py. Megan, you’re cute but try to dance again and there will be repercussions. Violent repercussions.
Adam – Did you know Adam is a homose… what? We’re not talking about that? Um, okay. Adam screams his way through a song that is not impressive when Michael himself does it. What are the judges listening to?
Matt – Did you know Matt has a dad? Hrm, gotta work on that package, guys. I did not like the performance but the judges are still giddy over Adam so they are all over it.
Alexis – Are there any female contestants that DON’T have children? The best part of this were her heels. Work the shoes! Adam and Alexis have a screaming contest and we’re the losers here.
This is the best first week in the past few years. Some real talents mixed in with equally real filler. They should just eliminate the five contestants who have 0% chance of winning. Let’s hope that’s the twist.

Best Performances: Danny, Lil, Kris
Who should go home: Jorge, Megan, Anoop
Bottom 3: Jasmine, Jorge, Anoop

“Double Head!”

2009-02-20T05:37:33Z

This little girl has a future! In what, I have no idea! Have a INSPIRED weekend!

Smooth Move

2009-02-14T01:30:16Z

Like some old man, I appreciate a hot cup of tea before bed at night. I find it comforting and it really helps me sleep. And it did the trick the night before last cause I slept like a baby. The next morning as I got ready to head to the gym, my stomach complained loudly until my intestines told me to have a seat cause they’d like to have a word. Well, let’s say that the “conversation” lasted for a while with me glued to my seat in the bathroom. And it didn’t let up. Throughout the day, my radar for clean toilets was working hard to avoid catastrophe. After a whole day of this natural jet propulsion, I crawled home exhausted. As I prepared my tea that night, I made a startling discovery. In my haste to make the tea the previous night, I had grabbed the wrong box of tea. Reaching over the peppermint tea, I apparently grabbed the “laxative tea”, left over from a battle with constipation last summer. I had a hearty laugh at my mistake which led to a gurgling cramp and another visit to el bano.

Then there was the time I mixed up Echinacea with horny goat weed. I knew something was wrong when I was humping the subway pole. But that’s another story for another day.

Happy New Year

2009-01-15T04:34:19Z

Hello world! It’s been 4 months since I stopped writing out every silly thing that came to my mind. In that time, Barack Obama won the election, Eartha Kitt died, and Britney Spears is still famous for reasons that have long been indefensible.

For me, 2009 has not pulled any punches. Between noon on New Year’s Eve and noon on New Year’s Day, I had already had my fill of difficulty. I heard from my Dad that he is getting sicker and the doctor has run out of medicine that will work. There are some last ditch options that we can try but they are dim. Pesky cancer. But he’s still up and around at the moment and in good spirits. My mood was dampened by that and when my boyfriend and I broke up hours later, it didn’t really help matters along. While it was disappointing, it was not a surprise. I had seen the writing on the wall for some time but chose to ignore it. Meanwhile, I think he was relieved. Nevertheless, don’t cry for me. It’s all for the best. So I spent New Year’s Eve watching Moulin Rouge and sighing a lot. The next morning, I had to work with a particularly difficult client. It’s a long story but the fallout from that difficult visit on that morning set the stage for a radical shift in my responsibilities at work. Now, this is not necessarily bad but it does mean a lot more work in my near future.

So Happy fucking New Year, bitches. Hope you had more fun that I did.

Tee hee hee

2008-09-11T14:38:26Z

Meanwhile, this is hilarious...

Gratuitous Olympics Pictures: Part 1

2008-09-08T04:06:22Z

God, I love wrestling.

Drive-by Rejection

2008-09-06T18:45:15Z

I bumped into this guy who I went out with about four years ago. We went out once and I don't remember the details of why we never saw each other again. Then again, I don't get asked out again on a lot of second dates so maybe it wasn't something too dramatic. After we were reintroduced and asked the requisite questions: "How are you?", "Are you still doing (occupation)?" I shook his hand and said "Nice to see you again!"

He hesitated. I sighed. I know what's coming.

"Well, maybe you want to keep in touch?" Why is this even an option? If he didn't care enough to keep in touch back in the day, why are we gonna do this now? I gave him my number and will wait for him to not call. Again!

This is not a PTA meeting.

2008-09-04T12:33:37Z

Is anyone else confused and possibly insulted about this Sarah Palin? This is supposed to appeal women upset by Hillary's loss? Why? The only thing she has in common with Hillary is their genitalia!

As for her experience, the GOP better just shut the hell up about Obama now. This woman has been governor les than 2 years, had some kids, backed the car to the end of the driveway maybe and THAT'S IT. That McCain could so seriously place this person one heart attack away from the most powerful position in the country is ludicrous, impulsive, and simply unacceptable.

On one message board, one hysterically tragic poster wrote, "SHE HAS FIVE KIDS!! TRUST ME! SHE KNOWS HOW TO RUN THINGS" Wtf? Could we have said that about her husband if HE was running? Or would we demand further, um, credentials or, you know, some sort of substantial goverment experience?

There is no dearth of qualified and experienced Republican women from Condoleezza on down who would have given Obama/Biden a run for his millions fund-raised. Perhaps none of them were willing to be a trophy yes-woman who's only add is her moral stance on issues (I obviously mean abortion and not teen pregnancy). I think it is a sad day for women and all Americans when a serious VP candidate lists her ability to have children, her participation in the PTA, and her solidarity with hockey moms as compelling criteria of her suitability.

Ugh. I'm voting TWICE for Obama. No, three times!

A Clean Break

2008-08-30T20:13:46Z

Oh. My. God. I tried calling my cleaning lady but her number is DISCONNECTED! What. The. FUCK! What am I supposed to do now? My place is filthy and now there is nothing I can do about it! I'm going to have to mooovvve! :'(

Olympic Wrap Up

2008-08-25T14:28:28Z

Wow, I can't believe we only do this every 4 years! From drama queen wrestlers to all out assault, this Olympics was filled to the brim with athletic goodness! Here's my totally idiosyncratic recap of the most exciting events during the Games!

Diving - Just what the hell are the judges looking for? I have no idea! But who cares! The Olympians are as near naked as they are in any sport! And once they are done with their dive, they hit the motherfucking showers and the cameras follow! Omg, get ME a towel! Laura Wilkinson should have ruled her events but had all the grace of a drunk manatee. She finished 9th and given that she is elderly by Olympic standards (30), that was the end of her Olympic dreams. I noticed the media spent a lot of time discussing and showcasing the Boudia/Finchum duo. But not TOO much time since Finchum is obviously gay. Don't want to start tongues wagging! Those bio clips were reduced to a few montage of the boys and a almost conscious lack of interviews with them. Probably because poor Finchum can't say three words without a purse falling out his mouth! Speaking of fagulosity, three cheers for Australian Matthew Mitcham who may be the first openly gay male to win a Gold medal! Woo HOO!!!

Swimming - Swimming was dominated by images and news of Michael Phelps. As the competition began, it was clear that Phelps would be the Phelps of attention throughout the week long events. Other countries couldn't compete with Phelps and the Phelps team as they Phelps in an almost Phelpsian manner. After Phelpsing 8 gold Phelps, Phelps had this to Phelps, "I am Michael Phelps!" In the end, Phelps Phelps Phelps Phelpsy Phelps Phelps.

If you've been unconscious for two weeks, it will be news to you that deformed mutant Michael Phelps won a shitload of medals. Riled up Americans can barely decide which hyperbolic title to coronate him with: Greatest American Athlete or Greatest Olympian Ever? Unfortunately, in interviews Phelps is less than captivating and I fear that if they allow him to speak more that the nation's dick will go limp.

I heard that there were other people swimming but I can't find any record of that.

Track and Field - JAMAICA! It appears that roughly 4000 of the 10700 athletes at the Games are competing in track! I can't keep them straight! Thankfully, there is more than one competitor to pay attention to in THIS event (although one has garnered a 6 on the Phelps scale of media attention). The USA had their asses handed to them by the Jamaicans in many of the events. Two words, bitches: Usain Bolt! Need I say more? Yes! Bolt Bolt Bolt Bolt! Is he the Fastest Man Alive or the Fastest Man Ever?! I CAN'T DECIDE!! Outside of Jamaican dominance of the track other surprises abounded, most of them tragic. Poor Lolo Jones hit a hurdle which cost her a few tenths of a second, lost her the race, and invalidated a lifetime of effort. Attitudinal dickhead Jeremy Wariner came in second in one of his races and then refused to speculate whether his curious coaching selections cost him the gold. The American relay participants learned that chalk is a better grip aid than butter. And Chinese super star Liu Xiang hurt his Achilles heel ending his Olympic participation. China had high hopes for Liu and now that he could not perform, my condolences go out to his family. He will be missed.

Gymnastics - Are any of the male team members over 5' 3"? Overdeveloped man-children as far as the eye can see! Frankly, without the drool inducing Hamm twins, the American team was boring as hell. Made up of wait-listers and former rejects, their whole performance was pretty lackluster although they grabbed some bronze medals I hear. China won the event although I'm left to wonder how. The leader of the Chinese women's team, Cheng Fei, routinely introduced her ass to the mat as she missed, stumbled, fell, and faceplanted her way through almost every event. Thankfully, tiny robot Shawn Johnson and ice princess Nastia Lukin managed to not similarly embarrass the US. Overall, given the dominance of interest in swimming and a particular Olympian in that event (Ryan Lochte! Ha ha, just Phelpsing!) who could care about gymnastics at all? Not me!

Bring it on, London 2012!

SU2C

2008-08-15T12:57:35Z

I'm off on vacation! The blog is coming back in about a week! Until then, watch this and have a hate-filled weekend!

Update

2008-08-08T00:42:14Z

Hey world,

It's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I have been writing here and there but just not posting.I hope to get back in to the swing of things soon though.

In the meantime, I wanted to put out there that my brother's wife had a miscarriage last weekend. Devastating doesn't really cover the scope of the tragedy. Still, they are in good spirits and so am I. I guess I won't be anyone's gay uncle anytime soon.

Thanks for all the well wishes I've already received and the ones that you wish to send. It's appreciated. I promise the next blog entry will be funnier and less tinged with sadness.

Later, skanks.

Stupid Questionnaire #23

2008-07-10T04:10:24Z

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I need to shave.
How much cash do you have on you? $30
What's a word that rhymes with "TEST" Lest
Favorite Planet? Earth. A lot to do here. And all that breathable atmosphere.
Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? A court attorney for a Supreme Court judge.
What is your favorite ring on your phone? I’m a classicist! “Riiiinnnggg……Riiiinnnggggg….. etc”
What shirt are you wearing? This light brown shirt I got from H&M for $5. Everyone bought the same shirt about 5 years ago and we all walked around looking like uniformed tools. I’m bringing it back though =)
Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing. Tevas
What do you think about the last person who took this survey? He needs to keep his ass out of trouble.
What were you doing at midnight last night? Chatting to Chris Jack on the phone about the decline of DC comics.
What did your last text message you received on your cell say? “Hey. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing with me earlier. I won’t tell anyone and I really hope ur plan works out. Hugs.”
Where is your nearest 7-11? Off of 30^th avenue! Can you believe that shiz?
What's a saying that you use a lot? “…so I said to him I said…”
Who told you they loved you last? Geez, I don’t remember =(
Last furry thing you touched? A client’s cat who tried to maul me.
How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? 800 mgs of Ibuprofen
Favorite age you have been so far? 27 and 32
Your worst enemy? Haven’t met him yet. He’s out there though…
What is your current desktop picture? The JL of A
What was the last thing you said to someone? “Don’t be such a stranger! Let’s keep in better touch!”

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? Duh! Money, honey! Flying won’t change my life too much.
Do you like someone? Define “like”
The last song you listened to? “Little of Your Time” by Maroon 5

Best Day Ever!

2008-07-09T03:32:55Z

Ever wake up and just know that you are gonna have the Best Day Ever? I have! This morning, I woke up gently without the alarm clock. Good stuff right out of the gate! Woo hoo!

I kicked ass all over work. Paperwork? Killed it! Meetings? Destroyed 'em! Reports? BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER! Hot damn, I was on fire! On my way home, what do I find? A $5 bill in my path! What? MORE good luck for me? Don't mind if I do!

Back in my neighborhood, I figured I should get cleaned up. My regular barber wasn't there so I had to settle for someone else. How do you think that turned out? Damn right! It was awesome! I'm even better looking than EVER before. Hard to imagine! But imagine it!

I took the stairs to my apartment two at a time. Inside the place was spotless! Go, cleaning lady, go! AWESOME! My god, the place was immaculatae. I swear she even arranged the icons on my Windows desktop. Love her!

It was a great day so why not celebrate with turkey burgers? Bopping around the kitchen, I whipped some up. But I guess I bopped too much becuase my juicy burger fell ketchup-mustard-cheese side first to the floor. Damn. But should I let something like gravity get in the way of my Best Day Ever? Hell no! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Or in this case... floorburgers! Whatever that chick uses on the floors, it's tasty as hell! Good night everybody!

Confessions of a Serial Dater

2008-07-07T23:59:20Z

I went on a date the other night. Good looking guy. Great conversation. Hug and kiss good night. Promises that future calls and dates would be forthcoming.

By all appearances, a good date, right? Well, why don't I care that much then? I liked the guy and I enjoyed myself. What's my problem?

Well, I've been living and dating in this city for 10 years. Back in the late 90s, I actually got nervous before dates! Can you beleive it? Man, that was something. I wouldn't be able to eat from the night before due to butterflies in my tummy. Like poor doomed Sally Bowles, I would wonder if maybe this time I got it right and this dude would stick around. I would hope that Mr. Right was just on the other side of this first date. But as public appeal for the Spice Girls and overalls as everyday wear waned, so did my optimism. Now, a decade later, I'm tired. To paraphrase Charlotte, I am, quite simply, exhausted.

Nowadays, I enjoy the date part. You know, the meeting new people thing. It's cool. But I've given over to the fact that it's impossible to tell how the date went for the other dude. Men, bless them, are cowards and unabashed liars in the dating realm. Listen up, ladies (cause you gay dudes know what I'm on about). Men will sooner chew their arm off on a date then tell you that it's just not working for him. It's so much easier to end with bland assertions that he had a great time and that he'll call you again. "Great" in this context meaning "less than stellar" and "again" meaning "never." To plagiarize from a cultural touchstone, he's just not that into you.

As for this guy, it's too soon to know if he will call back or not. And there is no way to tell! Maddening! Stupid boys.

Walk the runway, girls!

2008-06-20T12:07:19Z

It's the annual Mother - Daughter Fashion Show! Work the park, girls! Spin! Now sparkle! Have a FABULOUS weekend!